What I Wish I'd Known

Hi everyone,

This is a post from the blog Talking Walls: Confessions of a Single Mormon Girl. It is a blog written by a series of Mormon girls who are single and looking for The One. Obviously, none of them can have sex before marriage, and thusly their journey is a lot more nervewracking than that of those people whose pool of eligible bachelors is a bit wider.

Some of these girls have been looking for a husband for decades. It is humbling to read their posts and reflect on the magnitude of their journeys. Their bravery and strength are amazing, and they are inspirations to us all.

This post comes from a young woman who is leaving the blog, as she has just found her Mr. Right. It is a series of reflections on her experiences as a single woman and the lessons she has learned. When I read it, the words rang so true in my heart, and I knew it was something I could go back to again and again to inspire myself when I got down. I knew I had to share it with you all. Even those of you who are staunchly secular can probably learn a lot from it. Here it is:  

Well, friends, it's finally happened. I am engaged! I am excited, and nervous, and can't hardly keep a thought in my head for longer than a few seconds, but I wanted to take the time to write what I suppose will be my final blog post.  I wanted to take a few minutes and ponder what these changes in my life mean and the lessons that I never want to forget.  If ever there comes a day I forget to be grateful I want a place to remember.

Things I did right:

• Take the opportunities to explore every dream, every idea, every opportunity.  Once you marry, those singular choices come to a screeching halt. I will forever be grateful that I took the opportunities I was given to finish my education, travel the world, and make mistakes that no one but me knows about.
• Be faithful. I know the only thing that has kept me sane and happy (even when I felt miserable) was the gospel.  Cling to it. Make it your best friend.  You are NOT alone.
• When you fall down, get back up.  Let your mistakes go and make tomorrow better.
• Never regret the people that you've loved.  Even if they've broken your heart, turned their back on you, or treated you poorly - never regret the love and kindness you gave them.
• Have good friends. Wherever you can find them. When your family doesn't understand, when you feel alone in your world, when you just need a shoulder to lean on - I know that, unequivocally, the friends that I have made (though they were all married, stay-at-home moms and I thought they could never understand) have been my greatest champions, my greatest supports, and are now my biggest cheering section.

Things I could have done much better:

• I wish that I had found a way to not be so angry.  Anger is a wasted emotion, but it was part of my process, I suppose.  Feeling anger that deep makes my joy that much bigger, but it made my sorrow that much darker.
• I wish I had found a way to let myself dream.  I worked so hard at convincing myself that this would never happen that, even as I stare at the ring on my finger, I struggle to believe.
• I wish I hadn’t worried so much.  I couldn't rush today any more then I could pick up a car and throw it.  My faith wasn't strong enough to let this worry go, but things would have been a lot easier if it had been.
• I wish I had paid attention to red flags in relationships, instead of trying to rationalize them away.  Heavenly Father will guide us if we will just listen.

The Appeal of Fun

Another note on fun. I wanted to take an opportunity to say a couple of words about the very important subject of POINTLESS fun. Like I said in my previous post, the quickest, most sure-fire way to misery in any undesirable situation, when you’re facing circumstances you don’t like and didn’t create, is to make things worse by trying to force yourself to do even MORE things you don’t like.

Quite frankly, at many inevitable points in your single existence, EVERY pastime is going to seem like something we don’t like and didn’t create. The thing is, sometimes being single sucks and it sucks hard. When we’re PMS-ing and there’s no man in sight to satisfy those stormy hormonal urges, when we’re lonely and longing for a spiritual connection with an intimate friend, when we’ve seen one too many Dolce and Gabbana ads or Access Hollywood episodes, it’s really hard to ignore the gnawing pain in our guts that longs to be soothed by a man’s touch.

These moments come and go. And we can paint all the pictures we want, visit Thailand all we want, win a congressional seat, and sometimes the void still yawns before us. It is my opinion that a major part of why the void is as big as it sometimes is has been because we haven’t made time for US. It’s good to DO. But sometimes we have to BE. Obviously we all want to fill our lives with good, cool, inspiring stuff, and it’s really important for us to live lives that are meaningful. And to that end we have to make a special effort as single women to follow our passions and dreams, and live the lives that fulfill us.

But all of this is awfully ambitious. And sometimes we just don’t feel like it. Sometimes life just feels like a burden, and we don’t particularly want to make the effort to do something inspiring or passionate or exciting. At times like these, I think it’s really important to make time to do things which meet three criteria:

• Pointless
• Unconstructive
• Ridiculously fun

If you’re anything like me, you have a real problem doing things that are pointless and unconstructive. In theory, it sounds like an okay idea – MAYBE – but in reality you just never find the time. Plus it just feels like laziness. Well, it’s all well and good to mentor a ten-year-old and become the next Ansel Adams, but, even if those things represent the deepest yearnings of our hearts, following those dreams is still going to feel like a burden sometimes. We’re still going to have times when we spend weeks at a stretch thinking about Darren the barista from the coffee shop we worked at three years ago with the kind eyes, who was always so sweet to us when we misplaced the stockroom key. And it’s going to suck.

Take it from me, if we take a random Tuesday night to go to Senor Swanky’s with four of our closest friends for all-you-can-eat Mexican night, stuff ourselves with enchiladas suizas and chicken nachos, and get slightly soused on strawberry margaritas while laughing like a banshee at Nina’s stories about her crazy boss, we’re going to forget all about Darren for at least a night, and maybe even a few days. Same goes for taking a day to buy a key lime cheesecake from Trader Joe’s, order a really good novel or political read for our Kindle, warm up our PJs and a comforter in the dryer, dim the lights, and have a sublime evening of reading on our living room couch (two caveats to this one: the book CANNOT be “ambitious,” and the pastry MUST be “delicious”). On a beautiful hot summer day, why not take a basket to the beach or park, lay out a soft cotton blanket, gorge ourselves on juicy summer fruit and other treats, and sunbathe in our bikinis? Take an iPod and a T-shirt if you want. The sun will be all the remaining entertainment you need.

In my experience, doing things which meet these three criteria soothes the burn. In my book, I’ll have a whole directory of ideas of things people can do. In the meantime, I hope these get you started. Have fun and be lighthearted!

Follow Your Heart

As single women, one of our biggest gifts is our opportunity to create change in our lives. Our married and boyfriended-up sisters are spending a lot of time and energy thinking about their partners, and even when they’re not, their bodies and minds are humming with the energy of their sexual relationships. Having a partner fills a primal void inside of a woman that, when we’re single, we have the opportunity to fill with spiritual, creative, and other personal pursuits. We can choose to do anything we want. If we marry a computer programmer a year from now, it’s probably a given that we won’t be living in an artist’s commune and studying to become a full-time yoga instructor in five years.

But of course we're all kind of down about being single, and maybe feeling a little unmotivated. How to deal with it? The best piece of advice is probably to follow our hearts. We all have different interests and different strengths. Some of us are intellectuals, some of us are artists, some of us are humanitarians, some craftspeople, some world travelers and some social butterflies. No matter what our passions, it’s REALLY important to indulge them when we are single.

Actually, probably the biggest thing that will keep us from getting depressed and morose about our single situation is indulging ourselves, in every way we can. Don’t, under any circumstances, do anything you think you SHOULD do, or that you think it would be IMPRESSIVE to do. The quickest, most sure-fire way to misery in any undesirable situation, when we’re facing circumstances we don’t like and didn’t create, is to make things worse by trying to force ourselves to do even MORE things we don’t like. While you may be an intellectual, and it may seem like a really edifying idea to read every one of Fyodor Dostoevsky’s books, if they put you to sleep THEY WILL MAKE YOU FEEL REALLY MISERABLE and you will be fantasizing about your ex-boyfriend the entire time. Put the book down and pick up some Arianna Huffington or Ann Coulter instead.

Read books. Listen to podcasts. Knit. Go caving. Bake red velvet cake for yourself every Sunday and have a slice while reading Fifty Shades of Grey under a warm blanket on your living room couch. Mentor a ten-year-old. Nurse a friend through a really bad break-up. Visit Thailand. Paint canvases and get a gallery show. Just do FUN stuff. Stuff that will make your life feel alive. If it’ll make you feel alive to work at Wal-Mart and watch the sunset every evening over the Tappan Zee Bridge, do that. And, while you’re at it, being single is a really good time to improve your life as well. I know this falls under the banner of Very Miserable Work for many people, but if you’re not one of them, improving your physical health, your spiritual life, your professional career, your mental health, or your relationships with friends and family can be an empowering, thrilling, and FUN experience. And it’s one experience that will keep on giving, long after you’ve found Mr. Right, if that’s in your cards.