I really feel like I've recently come into a sense of myself as a woman that has been so empowering and enjoyable. I feel like, approaching 32, I've really hit my stride. I wanted to share some of my thoughts about what I've learned as I approach middle age.
One of the biggest things I've learned is that, for me, sexuality is not something I demonstrate, but something I experience. I am not interested in false facsimiles of sexuality; I am interested only in the genuineness that marks the truly erotic. The self-consciously even features, workout-prized muscles, slim modelesque physiques, or expensive hairstyles which harken "sexiness" to so many of my female confreres leave me cold. Sexuality is so much more than a laundry list of physical perfections and imperfections. Physically, I'm attracted to what I'm attracted to, but it's hardly this obscene caricature of erotic magnetism which seems so contrived and irrelevant. Biology speaks its own peculiar language, and it's rarely the pidgin dialect of the modern-day cultural savage.
My womanhood is not dependent upon "props," upon looking a certain way or being a certain weight. This is so because my womanhood is dependent upon my own arousal, not on how others perceive me. I experience myself as a woman because of my erotic response to the world around me, from the nurturing sensations of taste and touch as a delicious meal slides down my throat and into my belly to the soaring of my mind, heart and soul as I listen to an RJD2 song. I feel sexy because I feel aroused - often, as much as I can. That's been my guide on dating, too. I approach dating and men from the heart, looking for people who arouse me on the inside. It's a good way to move forward.
How do I nurture my sexuality today? By eating scrumptious food, making beautiful electronic music, choreographing transcendent pieces, doing feminist and political activism through my writing and blogs, adding to my musical and literary collections, improving my relationship with God, nurturing myself through diet and exercise, spending as much time with loved ones as I can, achieving in my career and at school, and having as much fun as humanly possible in between. It's all really good sex. When there's a guy to share in the fun, all the better. Until then, the band plays on. Onward, vixen soldiers!
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
Helen Gurley Brown's legacy
Today marks the death of Helen Gurley Brown, former editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan magazine and author of the seminal book "Sex and the Single Girl." Published in 1962, the book is a primer on living a "cosmopolitan" life and experiencing sex, financial freedom, and adventure as a single woman. Its chapters include:
One of the things I most admired about Gurley Brown was her independence. Her life was a testament to female empowerment. She went out into the world and created the life, the career, and, eventually, the relationship she wanted. This initiative and sense of responsibility and agency for one's happiness is something we can all learn from.
However, in all too many ways, Gurley Brown was a product of her times. The sense of breaking taboos by being sexually promiscuous has not worked for me and many of my friends. Perhaps, when Gurley Brown was the only one doing it and there was still some titillating value to humping in the back of a Chevy Impala or on a full-sized bed in your bachelorette pad, racking up notches on your belt by having tons of "steamy" sex with multiple partners was actually a pleasurable pastime. But in this day and age, more than likely, your partner's hands are clumsy and indifferent and you end up feeling like you're starring in a bad episode of Jersey Shore or a cheap porno.
Gurley Brown is an anomaly, and should be recognized as such. Most women, despite their obvious beauty, intelligence, grace, character, or grit, will not be launching fiery careers at 22 that take them to the pinnacle of their professions while having multiple steamy affairs with legions of smoky lovers before settling down to a 50-year marriage at the age of 37 and the start of a multinational media empire. Most of my friends, acquaintances, and coworkers have enough trouble trying to find a decent long-term relationship or full-time job, or finish a degree. It's not because they're not smart, or attractive, or personable, or hard-working. And it's not because they're not empowered modern women who haven't taken the next step in their lives to kick things up a notch. It's because they're not ridiculously lucky like Gurley Brown.
Also, building a life around flirting and affairs is not necessarily the best idea. Almost all of the chapters in "Sex and the Single Girl" talk about making yourself more attractive to the opposite sex, or finding ways to be around the opposite sex. While I have had to accept that sexuality is a very central aspect of my life, I frankly have other interests. Like creating art, and getting involved in politics, and food. This is another way in which I feel that Gurley Brown is unfortunately a product of her times.
- Chapters on the different types of men ("The Eligibles," "The Married Man," "The Younger Man"), where to meet each type of man, and how to cultivate a sexy persona
- Independent living skills, including budgeting, decorating, and entertaining, intended to make one more attractive to the opposite sex
- Wardrobe, make-up, and weight loss chapters
One of the things I most admired about Gurley Brown was her independence. Her life was a testament to female empowerment. She went out into the world and created the life, the career, and, eventually, the relationship she wanted. This initiative and sense of responsibility and agency for one's happiness is something we can all learn from.
However, in all too many ways, Gurley Brown was a product of her times. The sense of breaking taboos by being sexually promiscuous has not worked for me and many of my friends. Perhaps, when Gurley Brown was the only one doing it and there was still some titillating value to humping in the back of a Chevy Impala or on a full-sized bed in your bachelorette pad, racking up notches on your belt by having tons of "steamy" sex with multiple partners was actually a pleasurable pastime. But in this day and age, more than likely, your partner's hands are clumsy and indifferent and you end up feeling like you're starring in a bad episode of Jersey Shore or a cheap porno.
Gurley Brown is an anomaly, and should be recognized as such. Most women, despite their obvious beauty, intelligence, grace, character, or grit, will not be launching fiery careers at 22 that take them to the pinnacle of their professions while having multiple steamy affairs with legions of smoky lovers before settling down to a 50-year marriage at the age of 37 and the start of a multinational media empire. Most of my friends, acquaintances, and coworkers have enough trouble trying to find a decent long-term relationship or full-time job, or finish a degree. It's not because they're not smart, or attractive, or personable, or hard-working. And it's not because they're not empowered modern women who haven't taken the next step in their lives to kick things up a notch. It's because they're not ridiculously lucky like Gurley Brown.
Also, building a life around flirting and affairs is not necessarily the best idea. Almost all of the chapters in "Sex and the Single Girl" talk about making yourself more attractive to the opposite sex, or finding ways to be around the opposite sex. While I have had to accept that sexuality is a very central aspect of my life, I frankly have other interests. Like creating art, and getting involved in politics, and food. This is another way in which I feel that Gurley Brown is unfortunately a product of her times.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
A work-life balance that WORKS
I read a news story online today about a lawyer who left a BigLaw law firm and the resulting 16-hour workdays to start her own firm. The article talked about the "newly discovered" importance of work-life balance to singles, as opposed to its already-acknowledged importance to married folk, and portrayed the lawyer's ecstasy at being able to go for "long evening bike rides" and out to dinner. You can read the article here: http://www.abajournal.com/news/article/even_single_people_give_up_pay_for_work-life_balance_ex-biglaw_lawyer_is_an/
Quite frankly, this is an option that really represents a pipe dream for me and many of my friends and acquaintances. Those of us who got unlucky early in life were fortunate if we got out of young adulthood with a high school degree or a near-worthless B.A. and are, for the most part, slinging lattes for said overentitled lawyers or working 16-hour security shifts. Those of us who got a little luckier have jobs that actually offer e-mail accounts and phones with extensions, even though they may only pay $28,000 per year and we still have to live with Mom and Dad. At 30. Even the so-called anointed among us, those of us with gold-embossed degrees from tree-lined liberal arts colleges or - gasp - even the occasional Ivy Leaguer (just to set the record straight, I was once one of them), hardly qualify as "entitled", so forgive the aforementioned jab. You guys are, for the most part, working jobs you hate just like the rest of us, sometimes with hours and banker bosses that occasionally make you dream about working at Starbucks. And, quite frankly, more than a few of you are doing so anyway.
But I think the article introduced an important concept. Speaking from the experience of my own personal life, I have not been happy during the periods in which I did not incorporate a work-life balance into my own experience. For me, it took a while to truly understand the implications of what this meant, and apply them to my life. At first, when I heard the words "work-life balance," it suggested a vaguely clinical tone to me. Something like, "Eat whole grains," or "See your doctor three times a year." What it sounded like was some supercilious therapist type telling me to eat my vegetables and make sure to see my parents and spend 30 minutes in the sun three times a week. Who wants to bother with that?
What ended up working for me was a "work-life" balance that I'm not sure was exactly what the psychiatrists and mental health counselors had in mind, but one that I know is exactly what the doctor SHOULD have ordered. :) What balances my extremely intense professional life is FUN. I balance out the stress of work and school by doing things that are completely pointless, sometimes "unhealthy" (but never unsafe), and always EXTREMELY decadent and fun. I love to go to amusement parks. I love to buy a 24-Karat Cake from Trader Joe's (a frozen carrot cake that should be embossed) and eat three slices all by myself (granted, this is not a common occurrence). I love to go out to tapas bars with live flamenco music with my friends and eat tapas and drink sangria until I'm dizzy and aching with laughter.
I love to watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians (the only reality show I can stomach). I love to sleep in the park. I love to listen to independent radio and get mad about what the corporations and government are doing to this country. I love to get pedicures. I love to sunbathe and read spicy novels. I love to eat two whole pounds of fresh cherries and listen to a new album by my favorite musician. I love to chill and do things that we all feel guilty about doing because people will think we're lazy.
I'm telling you, for us unlucky folk who CAN'T afford to start our own law firms and don't like yoga, bike rides or brown rice, decadent fun is the key to work-life balance.
Quite frankly, this is an option that really represents a pipe dream for me and many of my friends and acquaintances. Those of us who got unlucky early in life were fortunate if we got out of young adulthood with a high school degree or a near-worthless B.A. and are, for the most part, slinging lattes for said overentitled lawyers or working 16-hour security shifts. Those of us who got a little luckier have jobs that actually offer e-mail accounts and phones with extensions, even though they may only pay $28,000 per year and we still have to live with Mom and Dad. At 30. Even the so-called anointed among us, those of us with gold-embossed degrees from tree-lined liberal arts colleges or - gasp - even the occasional Ivy Leaguer (just to set the record straight, I was once one of them), hardly qualify as "entitled", so forgive the aforementioned jab. You guys are, for the most part, working jobs you hate just like the rest of us, sometimes with hours and banker bosses that occasionally make you dream about working at Starbucks. And, quite frankly, more than a few of you are doing so anyway.
But I think the article introduced an important concept. Speaking from the experience of my own personal life, I have not been happy during the periods in which I did not incorporate a work-life balance into my own experience. For me, it took a while to truly understand the implications of what this meant, and apply them to my life. At first, when I heard the words "work-life balance," it suggested a vaguely clinical tone to me. Something like, "Eat whole grains," or "See your doctor three times a year." What it sounded like was some supercilious therapist type telling me to eat my vegetables and make sure to see my parents and spend 30 minutes in the sun three times a week. Who wants to bother with that?
What ended up working for me was a "work-life" balance that I'm not sure was exactly what the psychiatrists and mental health counselors had in mind, but one that I know is exactly what the doctor SHOULD have ordered. :) What balances my extremely intense professional life is FUN. I balance out the stress of work and school by doing things that are completely pointless, sometimes "unhealthy" (but never unsafe), and always EXTREMELY decadent and fun. I love to go to amusement parks. I love to buy a 24-Karat Cake from Trader Joe's (a frozen carrot cake that should be embossed) and eat three slices all by myself (granted, this is not a common occurrence). I love to go out to tapas bars with live flamenco music with my friends and eat tapas and drink sangria until I'm dizzy and aching with laughter.
I love to watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians (the only reality show I can stomach). I love to sleep in the park. I love to listen to independent radio and get mad about what the corporations and government are doing to this country. I love to get pedicures. I love to sunbathe and read spicy novels. I love to eat two whole pounds of fresh cherries and listen to a new album by my favorite musician. I love to chill and do things that we all feel guilty about doing because people will think we're lazy.
I'm telling you, for us unlucky folk who CAN'T afford to start our own law firms and don't like yoga, bike rides or brown rice, decadent fun is the key to work-life balance.
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