Fifty Shades of Sexy

I often make a lot of observations on this blog about my single life and the unconventional choices I’ve made, such as my choices to eschew diets, reject high heels, ignore pressure to conform to certain fashion norms, and so forth. I often talk about how my sexuality expresses itself in untraditional ways that have nothing to do with these accepted conventions. I wanted to take a little bit to talk some more about my notions of sexuality.

Traditional expressions of sexuality can be great. They’re there for a reason. Many women in our culture have felt the power of putting on a miniskirt, a bustier, a lacy bra-and-panty set, or a smoky-eye-and-red-lip combination, and it’s a great feeling. Since I was very young, I have embraced these very classic avenues of sexual expression, and I still think they’re a great way to experience sexuality. They allow us to tap into primal veins of gender expression and our own fantasies about what we find attractive. From women dressing up as Playboy Bunnies for Halloween to newlyweds strip-teasing for their new husbands to the sounds of the Pussycat Dolls in their bedrooms, we should never underestimate the power of a new blowout or garter belt.

However, I don’t think we should be limited to these norms of sexual expression when thinking about or expressing our sexuality. So often, women feel pressured to live up to a beauty ideal that most of us just won't ever achieve. The pressure to be beautiful is harsh, and it affects our ability to enjoy gender norms. To add insult to injury, these gender norms often interfere with our ability to experience sexuality authentically. Every time I put on a miniskirt or a sexy smoky eye, I felt the rush that I associated with sex and sexiness. It was a heady and intoxicating feeling, and, for a long time, one that I couldn’t match.

There was one problem, though. My fantasies weren’t satisfying me. No matter how much attention I got, it wasn’t enough, and even considering that I wasn’t receiving the amount of suitors that I would have liked, my experiences with the ones I was meeting weren’t turning me on. It was amazing to me. To me, sex was a toy, and I enjoyed playing with makeup, clothing props, seduction modalities and the like. But, at the end of the day, when it came to actual relations with actual men, fantasy fell short of the reality of sexual expression. It was quite a disappointment.

It was at this point that I began to realize that my stereotypes and preconceptions of sexuality and sexual expression were primitive and inadequate. While miniskirts and smoky eyes still turned me on, and, judiciously used, were devastatingly effective sex props, I discovered that there was so much more to good sexuality and – yes – good sex. Today, I realize that sexuality is so complex and rich that it holds almost endless possibilities for arousal, and very few of them have to do with red lipstick or spike heels. For an example, please read Hanne Blank’s seminal essay “Confessions of an Unrepentant Cocktease,” from a compilation of essays called “Sex and Single Girls” published in the 1990’s, and then Google her picture. It is quite possibly the most subversive sexual essay I have ever read, and in a single blow decimates our culture’s stereotypes of what good sex looks like. If you would like a copy of it, write me at thesatisfiedsingle@yahoo.com and I will send (or give) you a photocopy of it.

Intelligence, sensitivity, articulateness, thoughtfulness, honesty, sophistication, kindness, and compassion are aspects of sexual arousal that I never heard discussed on MTV. I have come to realize that, for me, the process of sexual arousal involves many different layers of sexual expression, only a few of which have to do with pectoral muscles or a slim frame. In my experience, when I meet a man, the encounter marks a process of exploration which has very little to do with the metrics of predatory sexuality I described earlier, the aggressive and domineering seductiveness which our media teaches women to wear like a proud badge on our lapels. Instead, my experience of men, and particularly of men I am intrigued by, is a process of exploring them, their intelligence, sensitivity, articulateness, et al, and allowing the peculiar buzz of sexual energy, if it is there, to grow and grow until it engulfs the both of us like an aura of grace. It has very little to do with the shallow ego gratification of landing a “hot guy.”

Which is definite progress. :)