Today I wanted to talk more about finding peace within yourself in the midst of your single circumstances. Most of us probably never wanted to be single. Whether we’ve been single for only a few weeks or for many years, it’s a journey we often find ourselves wondering about. How did I land here? What does this mean? They’re confusing questions.
As a single woman, for years I grappled with my place in the world. It seemed to me that I was missing out on something huge, like the world was on a magic carpet ride and I was left standing somberly here on Earth, holding nothing but a scrap of tattered rug. At the end of the day, my loneliness, hurt, and anger were a constant companion to me as I went throughout my day-to-day existence, knives which dug deep into my flesh and scoured me every time I twisted my torso.
It’s funny how time heals all wounds. As I matured, it became clear to me that so many of the assumptions I had held about love and relationships were simply misguided. The hurt which pierced me so in my youth was mostly the result of my belief that male indifference to me had something to do with my own personal characteristics. As I have grown older, I have come to understand that men have their own personal preferences, just as women do, for their own personal reasons which often make little to no sense at all. I have also come to understand that I don’t receive nearly as little attention from men as I think I do, and that I am not entitled to receive attention. I am no more deserving of attention than a crippled burn victim. What matters is the quality of my heart, and the fact that I appreciate that, and surround myself with people who appreciate it.
The loneliness is still a companion of mine, but I have come to understand that companionship and kinship come from all walks of life, and that one can be single and supremely connected with the very lifeblood of human existence, or in a relationship and be the loneliest woman in the world... even if your boyfriend loves you. I derive connection from everything today - from the people I smile at on line at the drugstore, from the people I volunteer with who sometimes become new friends, from the people I have little conversations with at my local coffeehouse who sometimes become new friends or business partners as well. Even from a great plate of pad thai, or a beautiful sunset, or a particularly satisfying blog post. At these things, sometimes I just sit back and say, Wow. That was satisfying. As a Satisfied Single, I am so connected that loneliness mostly seems very far away.
The anger mostly comes from feeling like life has cheated me, like it’s passing me by. Without a boyfriend, I feel like I’m just not whole, like I’ve been robbed of something important that I needed to be happy. Which, today, I understand. As I’ve said elsewhere in my blog, I’m not a big buyer of the tired feminist truism, “Women need a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” I’m a fish out of water without a bicycle, and I’m not afraid to say so. I’ve accepted that I do need a man, and that I undoubtedly always will. But I’ve also accepted that I have no control over whether or not I have one. I can always settle for a man who isn’t good for me. I’ve done that. But it’s just not for me any more.
I’ve accepted that the difference between women who are paired and women who are not is not beauty or any other surface characteristic, but most likely simply chance and luck. Women have partners for a million different reasons. Some got lucky. Some settled. Some will be divorced in five or ten years and spend the rest of their lives as miserable, Botoxed cougars (these are mostly the shallow types who went for surface over substance). I’ve accepted that I just haven’t found my man yet, and that, for me, it’s a matter of simple luck. Some of us have legions of suitors, while some of us are a little more idiosyncratic. It doesn’t matter. No matter what your situation, it’s always a matter of luck and circumstance. Plenty of successful/beautiful/etc. people settle or get unlucky. I’ve accepted that the only thing I have control over is how I choose to live the life I have now.
“Life is like a game of cards. The hand you are dealt represents determinism; the way you play it represents free will.” -Jawaharlal Nehru
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