Happy New Year, Everyone!
I hope your New Year's Eve was fun and... dare I say it... SATISFYING! ;) I had so much fun I'm still thinking about it. I would rather have been at a really cool party with a bunch of awesome friends, but I'm kind of between friend groups right now, so that wasn't an option. And the last thing I wanted to do was shove myself into a sequined miniskirt and drag my butt out into the windy December cold to go to a party with a bunch of strangers at some bar.
So I did exactly what I said I was going to do. I bought a dozen bright yellow roses and put them on my kitchen table in a beautiful vase. I went to a specialty wine store and bought a $17 German bottle of red wine. I went to the neighborhood independent film and music store and bought a couple of esoteric documentaries and foreign films. I bought new wineglasses and a beautiful new journal. And, after ordering artichoke-and-bechamel and margherita slices from what may well be the best pizzeria in the world (you may have to make a trip to New York City just to try a slice from Artichoke Basille take-out on 14th Street; just take my word for it), I got delightfully tipsy and had a sublime night of film, gourmet food, wine and New Year's reflections and resolutions.
Would I have preferred to spend the evening with a special someone or someones? Of course. There's not a shred of doubt of that. I adore the energy of spending time with people I care about and have an affinity for. The heady high of being around those I love is unmatched by few things in the world. As I learned from my most recent romantic entanglement, which I wrote about on my blog, if I met the right person, in an ideal world I would register for Social Security disability benefits, as would he, we would rent a room in some low-income neighborhood somewhere with a huge king-sized mattress and a window, and we would just never leave except to buy food and pick up our checks. That would make me perfectly happy. I wouldn't have a problem with that. I am that passionate of a person.
I love spending time with special people. And it's not just partners. If I did nothing more on my weekends than spend time with my friends, it wouldn't be such a bad life. Just spending time with people makes me so happy. I love people so much. Which makes my New Year's choice, and the recent choices I've been making, all the more ironic. But, for the first time, I feel more than ever that I'm being true to my love of people at this point in my life.
At 32, I have finally learned to respect the feelings of discomfort and boredom that arise when I am around people for whom I do not have an affinity. In my twenties, I knew I loved to spend time with people, but I was so eager to do so that I would put up with people with whom I had absolutely nothing in common, emotionally, psychologically, intellectually, and even morally. This was true of my romantic partners as well. In my twenties, I would have seen a New Year's at a bar, spent talking to an attractive but dull gentleman with whom I shared a mundane kiss at midnight, as infinitely more desirable than an evening spent alone.
No more. In recent years, I have given myself permission to live my best life now. That means pursuing and indulging every passion, urge, dream and fantasy. The fruit of this choice is that I have more self-knowledge and self-respect than I've ever had before. And I enjoy my self more than ever before. Since my life is so full of passion, it makes me less willing to put up with situations which don't stimulate or affirm me. I'm simply not willing to spend time with friends or partners for whom I don't have an affinity, when my time could be better spent pursuing passions and fantasies of my own. The result is that my life in general is higher-quality.
And it's only getting better. As I move towards a life even more passionate and filled with fantasies and satisfaction, I have only hope for the future. As long as I'm working towards a more positive tomorrow, I know the best is yet to come. Ganbei (bottoms up in Japanese - drink up) for the life of our dreams!
No comments:
Post a Comment