As a young and nubile twentysomething ;), I was eager to get into the dating game. Having attended single-sex institutions for the last six of my grammar school years and having been isolated well into my college years, I found myself singularly without experience or even knowledge of the opposite sex. I was chomping at the bit to develop a normal sex life and experience some excitement around romance.
Perhaps it’s because I was so isolated that I really didn’t develop an understanding or sense of how chemistry or attraction between two partners really exists. Jumping into the twentysomething singles pool, I was constantly on a quest to meet “hot guys,” whether at bars, Meetups or group events. I was eager to find an attractive, personable young man, of my preferred ethnic background and physical makeup, with whom I could share fun times and intimacy.
Funny how life works. I had more difficulty than I thought meeting the guys I desired to meet, and on the few occasions when I did meet them, I was surprised at how sterile and colorless the meetings were. Whether I was on a date, making out (which I did quite often), or talking to someone at a bar, most of the time I just wasn’t experiencing the kind of fireworks I fantasized about. I guess I wasn’t really experiencing chemistry.
Looking back, I can see how some of the mistakes I was making then, and some of the mistakes I still unwittingly make today, were hindering my ability to experience real chemistry with a lover. For one thing, I didn’t know what chemistry was. I thought that if you found a guy and liked the way he looked, and talked to him and liked talking to him, and talked to him some more and found out you had things in common and liked spending time with him, that was about as close to chemistry as two people could ever get.
Not true! The biggest thing I’ve learned in the past couple of years of coming into my sexual prime as a woman is that chemistry is something I experience, not something I seek or cultivate. I’ve learned to listen to my own rhythms and responses, and to allow myself to trust the sensations and thoughts that arise when I am interacting with a potential partner. The experience of interacting with and experiencing a given person is what allows chemistry to develop, not the seek-and-find mentality of attempting to find what I am searching for from the outside in.
This has been a difficult process to trust. I have always been greatly influenced by certain cultural messages which have implied to me that I should be looking for given traits in my partners, as well as my own prejudices, preconceptions and experiences. The wounds and hurts that I have sustained over the course of my life have left me very gun-shy regarding my willingness to be open-minded about dating men who don’t fit my “standards.” Whether having to do with a history of self-esteem issues, histories of trauma, or simple ignorance, sometimes my baggage ends up allowing for a very small pool of potential partners.
However, a willingness to be open-minded is essential to the process of allowing oneself to create the conditions for a truly romantic relationship. What I have learned through a years-long process of working with myself is that chemistry is really the combustion of an assortment of characteristics - personality, charisma, intelligence, character, morals, commonalities, mentality, spirituality, and, yes, physicality - which fans itself from a slow burn into a roaring furnace of heat. It truly cannot be quantified, or predicted. I have to be open to it wherever it occurs, and not try to force it where it cannot possibly exist. This requires a certain relinquishing of preconceptions.
Today, I’ve had to make my peace with the fact that I have preferences. But I’ve also learned that sometimes I miss out on a great thing because - as trite as it sounds - I don’t like the package it came in. Or I never notice the great thing to begin with, because I’m too busy moping over the lanky young bucks who always stare through me at singles happy hour. I’ve had to remember that chemistry is just as it is defined - an explosion of just the right ingredients into a delectable and irresistible concoction, just the right one for you. The ingredients may be a bit foreign to us sometimes, but if the chemistry’s right, the potion will be too intoxicating to resist.
And that’s what we single women have to insist on - intoxication. Nothing less should suffice. Remember... it’s romance that counts, romance that we all dream of. It’s only settling if we’re not in love.
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