Recently I’ve been thinking about how my desire for a
partner is an almost constant companion of mine. This is something that, up
until now, I’ve been uncomfortable with. After all, our culture teaches us that
women shouldn’t NEED men, that we should be independent, that we should be able
to rely on ourselves for happiness and fulfillment and not have to depend on a
man for anything.
Consequently, my preoccupation with having a partner has
left me extremely confused. I used to be a lot more preoccupied, partially, I
believe, because of raging twentysomething hormones and partially because of
unresolved family of origin and childhood issues. But those have largely been
dealt with, and I lead a satisfying, rich life full of professional
fulfillment, creative satisfaction, hobbies and relaxation, friendships, and
adventure.
So my continued sense of disembodied dissatisfaction is a
mystery to me. In my heart, I still feel like something’s not quite right. I
feel like something’s missing, some sense of deep connection, a profound
intimacy. I long to be intimate in a way that friendships and mental
stimulation, and even spiritual fulfillment, just can’t satisfy. I’ve tried
everything to satisfy this inner urge – new projects, deeper connections with
friends, a stronger relationship with God. While these things help, nothing
ultimately soothes the burn.
After a lot of reflection, I have come to the conclusion
that the women’s movement is simply wrong. While there are many notable
exceptions, many women quite simply do need men. We don’t capital-N NEED men,
and can be quite satisfied and fulfilled without them, but there is an aspect
of us that is just not whole, is just not quite right, when we’re not in a
relationship. Again, I recognize just what a revolutionary statement this is,
and I qualify it with the absolute caveat that there are many exceptions. But,
judging from my extensive experience with the many women who have passed
through my life over the past 32 years, this statement is quite accurate.
Now, I would add another caveat emptor to this statement.
Women’s need for relationships with men absolutely does not include the
pathetic, miserable cases that currently pass for relationships in much of the
world today. For many women, we’re better off alone than with the puerile,
self-centered emotional midgets that some men, of all backgrounds and cultures,
appear to be. When I say that women need intimacy, I’m talking about mature,
reciprocal, egalitarian, passionate, respectful intimate relationships, the
kind that relationships are supposed to be in the first place.
So what am I supposed to do with this knowledge? As a mature
adult woman who is conscious of the fact that she is not quite right without a
partner, I have choices. I can do what I am doing now, which is known as
spiritual alchemy. I have done the same as a survivor of domestic violence.
When one is the survivor of trauma, one has two choices as to what to do with
the anger. One can turn it inwards, or one can turn it outwards. My work as a
social worker allows me to ensure that the anger I feel about what happened to
me keeps it from happening to anybody else.
The same can be true of the regrettable consequences of the
sexual revolution. The loosening of sexual mores has left us with a generation
of men who feel no need to commit to women. This leaves women lonely and
bitter. We have two choices as to what we can do with the anger. We can stay
bitter and resentful, or we can use our rage to take action towards helping
other women in our situation by counseling our friends, writing, creating art,
blogging, reading literature, starting a women’s group, mentoring a young woman
or becoming a Big Sister, or doing anything else that influences women to
listen to their hearts. Doing so gives us comfort as well.
I can also give myself space to grieve. A big part of why
it’s been so hard for me to carry on without a partner has been because of my
absolute need to reject my need for one. When you’re spending hours of every
day denying an obvious fact of your existence, life tends to be miserable. Give
yourself space to grieve. Admit you want a relationship, and admit how
important it is to you. And keep affirming it, every time you’re tempted to
give yourself the old feminist line about a woman needing a man like a fish
needing a bicycle.
Also, admit what a beautiful thing it can be. When I really
start obsessing about past ex-boyfriends, I’m going to give myself permission
to watch a really emotional romantic film, like The English Patient, to remind
myself how beautiful love can be, and to remind myself that I still have the
potential to feel it, and to find it. It’s really important to remind yourself
that you still have the potential to love. It’s when we get bitter and jaded,
and when we shut ourselves off from our feelings, that they begin to mutate and
deform and haunt us.
Make space in your life for the longing, in any way that
feels comfortable to you. Talk to your mother about it. Read Janet Evanovich
novels. Listen to love songs. Take boxing classes to channel your despair. Act
in Shakespeare productions to channel your inner tart. Watch episodes of
Bridezilla. Just don’t let denial and dejection pervert your soul. Not being
paired hurts. I don’t want it to hurt any more than it has to.
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